You know that completely remarkable thing about Dan, and his life. The most, most utterly wonderful and inexplicably amazing thing about Dan’s life, is when things go right.
He’s almost a child of three states. The first, the dark side, where Dan’s own label for himself comes from, the dark side of life and thoughts and dread. The second, the blank state, where nothing breaks through and nothing matters. And the third, this amazing, this wonderful happy state where everything is and has always been great.
The problem is that it really is far too fleeting. Dan isn’t up and down. To be honest, he’s mainly hovering somewhere around the blank zone, but when life works for him, I mean, when it really works, he shines.
He also talks, and talks and talks and talks and talks. Sometimes he rambles. Sometimes he almost prefers when we’re not listening to him. Other times he talks so much around a subject that I ask him to write. Dan wrote ‘Land Pirates’ as a tiny boy, clearly inspired by Pirates of the Caribbean.
We spend most of our time on land, but the only time that we go in water or on a ship is to get to each piece of land. We travel by not ships, but we go in rafts made of wood – that we made on an island. We travel in any type of weather, no matter what. Even if there is a storm because our rafts are made from strong wood and sand-clay to stick them together. We also use rope.
Whenever we get bored, on an island, all we do is play card games and dig for treasure. When we get thirsty, we drink rum! And when we get hungry, we eat fish and sea creatures.
By the way, my name is Captain Jack Sparrow. Some people call me just Sparrow. They say “Sparrow!”. I am very clever but sometimes I can be quite silly. When I am silly it is really just clever as well because I’ve not died yet! Sometimes we get washed up ashore. When that does happen we do the usual. Play card games, drink rum and eat fish.
It was the first day that I had not woken up since I last ate fish, and that was a long time ago. Then I noticed that my crew was gone! So, I ran as fast as I could until I stopped at the edge of the cliff. I had cliff dived loads of times before but that was because either someone was chasing me or I was escaping. But then I thought, “Should I do it?”.
“I will do it” I said out loud to myself. A second later I jumped, and while I was in the air, I saw lots of blurriness and I didn’t know what was going on. So I grabbed onto the cliff face and crash, bang, wallop! I fell again… Meanwhile, my crew was walking along the beach where I was in the first place and I realised that, actually, I had seen lots of little brown-clothed people (my crew) and I was smacking my head because I had forgotten who they were. Suddenly, again, crash, bang, wallop, I was on the floor! I said to myself, “Its going dark and I’ve only climbed a few rocks of the cliff”.
Later, when I was just a few rocks away from the top, I saw a snake so I got my sword out and cut it in half. It was a really long snake so I used it to go to the other side of the cliff, swinging. I think it was an anaconda, the size of a bus. When I was at the top, I was so happy that I got my sword out again and started running with my sword cutting lots of pieces of grass and trees.
Then I met up with my crew. They said “Where have you been, Captain?”. I replied “…”. My crew took me back to my raft. I was not badly damaged because I had fallen on an inflatable bed that some people may have used. Soon I was back on land again but this time it was a much better place and there were lots of stone buildings with other pirates in them, so we decided to go in the drink warehouse, which was also a pub. I had a drink of rum with my dad because he had suddenly appeared in it. The pub was very dirty and messy because there had been lots of drink fights there and there was broken glass all over the floor. That is why I always wear boots – just in case there is anything on the floor. But there was a problem. I saw a man with tentacles on his face. IT WAS DAVY JONES!!!!!!!!
Quickly, I leapt out of my seat and started fighting him. It started everyone else fighting, and another big drink fight began. There were even cannons but I started to fight perfectly with Davy Jones. I was surprised then without even looking I stabbed him. But, Davy Jones’s heart was actually in a chest. But I had the chest so I got it out, stabbed the heart and killed Davy Jones. And the fight stopped instantly. Me and my crew walked out and never went on land ever again.