Good afternoon to you all, and thank you all for your attentions. I know that, as Broadley Manor’s Year 10 Religious Studies pupils, you’ll recognise me as Mr Colman, your head teacher, and most of you will know that I’m here back in the classroom owing to Miss Chatterley’s unfortunate accident earlier in the day.
Yes, you over there with your hand up…? No, I’m not at liberty to share information about a fellow staff member with pupils. Another question? Well, no, I’m not a qualified teacher of religion. I’m a maths teacher, as some of you in the lower sets will know.
Unfortunately no supply teachers were available to cover your class at such short notice, as the unfortunate incident occurred only a short time ago, so you’re stuck with me. Yes, I’m expecting sighs, but I think you’ll find it a most interesting lesson. I can’t find Miss Chatterley’s lesson plan, and she’s not in a fit state to answer the phone, so that leaves me to my own devices.
Right, so lesson started. I’ve decided to do something quite exciting for you all today.
Instead of going through text books, I’ve decided to talk about something fascinating. Our lesson subject is to be The Seven Deadly Sins!
I’m assuming you’ll have heard of these, despite your youth and inexperience, but how many of you can name them all? Silence? That’s interesting. What about naming just one of them? Tell you what, what’s your FAVOURITE deadly sin? Or even the most deadly?
You over there. Yes you, lanky fellow with the bowl cut and the glasses. Go on, say it out loud, and straighten your tie while you’re at it. What do you think? Murder? Of course, you would say that, as it is the only bad thing you can think of that’s deadly because it involves killing. But, and you may be surprised to hear this, murder isn’t even one of the seven deadly sins! Can anyone even hazard a guess as to what they might be? Nobody?
OK, so I’m going to share all seven with you throughout the lesson, but I’m first going to talk to you about my particular favourite – gluttony. My word: food, glorious good. It means eating and drinking too much, for those of you who have basic vocabularies. And who doesn’t love eating and drinking too much? Do you remember that 70s art film about a group of gourmands who decided to eat themselves to death? I loved that and I have a clip to play you shortly. What do you mean you’re only 14. Oh yes of course, thinking about it, perhaps it isn’t particularly appropriate.
I suppose that some of you (the chavs and those with liberal and lax parents) might have seen another film: Seven. It’s got Brad Pitt in? No? Oh, I see a few heads nodding. The children I would have expected… The whole point of the film is that lots of people are murdered in ways that reflect the seven deadly sins. It’s a disturbing film, but, I found it quite fascinating that the man who’d been murdered because of his gluttony, didn’t bother me a bit. I thought it was a good way to go, to be honest. But, the scene of the man who’d been murdered because of his sloth, and was more wretchedly skinny than any man has any right to be, was absolutely terrifying. I was going to play a bit of the DVD, but now I’m thinking maybe I shouldn’t. No, don’t sigh and complain. Watching a DVD isn’t always an easy option, and I’m thinking of the parental complaints more than anything.
So, anyway that’s Gluttony and Sloth covered. What do you mean, you want to know them all? Here you are then. Sloth and Gluttony (we know all about those two now), then there’s also Envy, Pride Lust, Wrath and Greed.
Alright, now students, I’m a little rusty at this teaching lark nowadays, so instead of me talking about them, I’m going to get you to do a little writing. So now it’s time for you to select the sin you’d like to write about. Ah, I see we have a hand up in the corner. Which of the seven deadly sins are you going to write about, young lady? Lust? Oh my word, I’m not sure I can say anything to you lot and I’m beginning to feel that this lesson wasn’t the best idea. That’s what happens when you’re put on the spot. Dear me, please stop giggling about lust at the back, you’re making me get in all of a fluster.
Tell you what, children, I’m not feeling it too brilliantly. Yes? Oh, yes, you may write about lust if you wish. No cheering, children, this is supposed to be a religious studies class, remember. It’s a serious subject, so no smut.
Now, now, please stop with the giggling.
I’m going to have a sit down now in front of the open window. Get writing, and keep things clean.
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